November 7, 2010

Diet of the Day

This diet of the day is targeted specifically at chocoholics and those who wake up at 3AM to have breakfast, lunch and dinner in one go: every time you get a craving for chocolate,  follow these steps exactly:
  1. Drink a large glass of lukewarm water with lemon juice
  2. Make yourself some decaf (depending on your chocolate addiction, sure this will be one of many cups during the day and coming days......weeks, so decaf preferable so avoid the jitters)
  3. Stock up on tictacs. Have a tictac. 
  4. This is optional, of course: smokers: you are now free to smoke with your coffee. Yay. 
Repeat as necessary until you fit into all of the 15 pairs of jeans you've got in your closet.  Do not, I repeat, do not buy yourself a pair of jeans you fit into while you are a fat fuck.  Wearing the only pair of pants you can fit into while being a fat fuck will soon make you so frustrated and crabby, you will have to continue religiously following steps one through three (four for me) until the desired fat has dropped from the various places that make wearing your skinny jeans a very annoying experience.

Simple. Ok, it's not. But it works. Just think of the delicious chocolate cake you can eat once you've lost all those pinch pounds. Then you can start all over again.  Unless you stick to one piece of cake as opposed to the entire cake, as I usually do. Merry Pre-Christmas diet.


Tegan Flanagan said...

you're right about buying bigger jeans.. not a good idea.

Veronika said...

no, its not. Just prolongs the agony.
And shifts the standards. I refuse to relinquish the right to wear jeans I fit into a couple of months ago. But damn, its hard.