November 15, 2009

2012 and Antichrist

Both are disaster movies. One relies on CGI, the other on the bizarro psyche of its protagonists.

Lets start with 2012: can one really review a film, you know everything about before you go in?

Directed by Roland Emmerich, starring Chiwetel Ejiofor, John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson as the rapture schlocked hippy prophet, Danny President "Sargent Murtach" Glover, Thandie Newton as President Sargent Murtach's daughter token "I am going to be the love interest of someone, gues who?" girl, Oliver Platt, as some White House aide, who reveals his true characterlessness toward the end, and some cute kids and some fat Russian twins who you want to not make it along with their Russian Oligarch dad.

The rise in action starts in 2009 with a continuing build up over 2010 and 2011.

Then everything starts exploding, falling into the ocean, and fairly ludicrous plane manuvers. Thats pretty much the story. I mean, yeah, we don't expect anything else. Still the few bits of dialogue are totally lame. On the other hand, why waste perfectly good dialogue on a movie that exists soley on its CGI imagery. Right?

One knows what to expect: due to various solar explosions, something happens but basically it means Earth is being microwaved at full blast, with the aluminum foil on top (and we all know what happens if you do that)resulting in the distabilization of the Earth's crust - in laymen's terms: the Earth will cease to exist as we know it. Or put an egg in the microwave. You get the gist.

A 15 minute break means its a long movie as well. How much crashing of cities can we take? I mean, how much more can we be shocked after Los Angeles just went down? The cradle of mankind as we know it already wiped out. How much worse can it get?

The show, during the break, was way more exciting than the movie: trying to get the popcorn stuck in my teeth unstuck without attracting too much attention And listening to tweenies screetch and giggle. More tweenies fighting over a cigarette. Skinny jeans, mini skirts and major screams whilst rolling around on the street.

The denouement is that only one continent stays above sea-level. So have a vote, before you go see it, which one its going to be.

The movie isn't terrible and the premise is kind of interesting, when you think about it. And its nice coming out of the theater and all buildings are standing and people are strolling the streets. Although it does make you wonder: could this happen? Maybe I should start saving to buy myself a ticket. 199th class or something. Or start making friends with astrophysicists. So they can smuggle me on board.

But I must say its just like a quintupble (sure thats spelled wrong) combo plate of

Titanic
Dante's Peak (or Volcano)
The Poseidon Adventure
War of the Worlds
Earthquake
Towering Inferno
[insert your disaster movie of choice]

all rolled into a huge disaster wrap thats just way too long. As I said, two bites and you're full. But unfortunately, you've only gotten through a quarter of the movie. So you'll be sick with boredom by the time it ends.

Despite this less than gracious review, I am sure the cash will roll in like a tsunami, paving the way for more to come. A CGI extravaganza.

Thats all.


Antichrist:

The best part was drinking Christmas punch beforehand.

Um, I didn't get it. In fact some bits, I thought rather funny. Is there something in the bible or some other famous bit of literature that I don't know about, that Mr. Lars Von Trier, who hates flying, is trying to teach us? Personally, I didn't really find it shocking at all. While the event that triggers everything, is something any parent, doesn't want to contemplate, and surely one of the most horrific things that can happen, the story focuses on nebulous themes concerning the abuse of women throughout history.

Um, what?

I find gratuitous gun-slinging and shooting movies like "Shoot "em Up" or "Hitman" way more disturbing. Simply because its become the norm, virtually erasing the line between reality and fantasy.

The plot of Antichrist: a couple lose their young child through an accident. And it was their fault, because they were having sex at the time.

The rest of the film deals with the 3 levels of grief (aren't there five? well, here there are three) : grief, pain, despair. And then three beggars come.....or something. Was the infliction of pain and self-mutilation the attempt to overcome the ice of the mother's indifference?

It was pretty dull except for the talking fox, when everyone laughed. "Chaos Reigns" . Well, awesomeness sure doesn't with this one. My theory: Lars is just trying to make fun of us.

7 comments:

Jm Diaz said...

I've only seen 2012, and yeah, I walked out of there felling something like "meh"... and then got in my car a drove off. Can something like this happen? Sure, anything is possible I guess... I do love your character descriptions though. Very nice :)

Tatiana Lensky said...

thank you! When I read the "about me" on your blog - I thought to myself - yep. I think we can get along. I bitch and rant and hopefully say things most people are afraid to. Sometimes my inherent politeness gets the better of me though. Must amend.

See, thats the good thing about blogging and fb statuses....I can say what I want. So you are a writer too..excellent!

Jm Diaz said...

I am indeed. Another good thing about blogging and FB as that I get to meet people like you. Writers, story tellers, fun havers from around the globe.

PiZT said...

The bit in the film that really crapped me off, was the Star Wars Death Star plane manoeuvres of a student pilot who could barely even manage to get the plane off the ground. Cusack's decision that the best option was to drive his Limo through a falling skyscraper was abominably stupid and also the Yellowstone Airport scene which was bloody ludicrous. The whole film could have been condensed into that 3 minute cartoon that Woody Harrelson made in the Film, may i point out that was pretty much the only piece of the film I enjoyed.

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Anonymous said...

A friend of mine mentioned 2012 last night to me and it's the first I heard about it so I jumped on here out of curiosity. I think it's kind of sick and sounds like a bunch of skeptical jargon.
I choose to live every day like it is the last because let's be real, WHO THE HELL KNOWS what is going to happen or when it's your time to go on. The past is history, the future is a mystery and now is a gift, thats why it's called the present. It's not healthy to sit around and trip out about when you will die. Stop wasting your time you have now.
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