December 3, 2008

the accidental husband crash movie review

(oh dear - even the poster is miserably lame)

ok. This was probably the worst movie I have ever seen in recent history. I endured 35 minutes of it before I walked out. And believe me, it seemed like 35 hours. I wanted to walk out after the first 10 minutes - yes, I think that was the first time I thought of leaving. Why? Well, predicatable plot wouldn´t necessarily be a reason - there are lots of predictable plots. Romantic comedies usually have one. You expect a happy end with some smart funny lines, some well-choreographed twists and turns along the way. You go for escapsim, to make you feel better, to be inspired, to salvage some tiny miniscule of hope (for those of us recently dumped) .......Take James Bond for example. Ok - I know it doesn´t quite fit this genre category, but you do go in knowing what to expect. You just know he isn´t going to die and somehow succeed in what it is he is attemtpting to achieve. And you stay because the ride is fun. Enjoyable. Thrilling. And lots of bright flashy stuff to look at.

But, I am speechless with indignant bluster at the lameness of this script, at the non-direction, at the actors blundering moves, screetching and stumbling from one bad scene to the next.

I didn´t really know anything about the movie except for the fact that Colin Firth and Uma Thurman are in it. And I adore Colin Firth. So.....anyone who ever tells me again that actors are smart and should know better haven´t seen this movie. Colin Firth usually is a guarantee for decent comedy. No quick witty lines to be found here. Was it my imagination or higher belief that one could tell he was struggling to not barf after every bar of chocolate he was told to eat?

„hey, its funny – the audience is soo going to love your little weakness“

Were they all really so hard up for cash? I mean, can´t you smell a dead-in-its-tracks-body from like, Neptun? The lines were so bad, so UNfunny my ears were bleeding.

ok - you all know the imdb link each film has to their respective "memorable quotes":

Patrick: [with a mouth full of sample wedding cake] This cake is fantastic!
Emma: Shh. Please...
Patrick: You mix these two together, it tastes just like a ring-ding.
Emma: [Patrick shoves a fork of cake in her face] No. No, no.
Patrick: Ah!
Emma: No.
Patrick: Ah!
Emma: [she accepts the forkful of cake] it was yummy.
Patrick: It's super-duper.

now I know this film is still on limited release, meaning not that many contributions yet, but if the above is an example of the most memorable quotes, then I think you get an inkling of how bad this truly was.

Conversation marked by exchange of witty retorts? Quick clever replies? Banter, sharp sparring? The repartee between all the characters was like showing up to a fencing dual with plastic suction darts. Just toss a whole bunch of nothing around, hope something sticks.

There was nothing charming, witty, even remotely redeeming about this film. Nothing. Zilch. I mean, thats a feat in itself. And anyone who can read - I am assuming most actors can - surely must have realized by line 3 that this script had pages filled with something......dunno.......font? If anyone had bothered to read the script, surely that person would have realized it had about as much bite as a marshmellow.

Were buzz words like romantic comedy&Griffen Dunne enough to get Uma and Colin to sign the dotted line? Didn´t they know Dunne directed „Whos that girl?“ ? With the ultimate industrial-strength box office poison Madonna? Guess not. Sure, he did "After Hours" a one-hit wonder. But it was downhill from there on, I take that back. He went straight for the cliff. And jumped.

Can´t help thinking Thurman and Firth, along with Sam Shepard, Isabella Rosselini and that dude from Grey´s Anatomy (you know, Danny – Izzy´s catalyst into relationship doomsday) had a healthy portion of conceit whilst skimming through the script.

„I am awesome enough to make this work“

well, I got news for you guys – it didn´t. Fire your agent. It tanked. A 4x4 backed up and flattened this pack of baby seals.

The acting was so excruciatingly bad, it made me want to take the brace position before a crash landing - like the whole time. Thing is, this turkey never ever took off. It skidded straight off the runway.

The whole thing was an insult to all moviegoers. And I´m not talking about the stuck-up connoisseur with "discrimminating taste" - no I am talking about your average movie goer who wants a good time. Not a lesson in rocket science. But this was so off the filmmaking-for-dummies map - I mean, it was so vapid, empty,cardboard cutout fare lacking in any imagination whatsoever.

Plot: popular radio talk show host Thurman aka Dr. Love (or whatever), who naturally has a charmed life with a charmed and charming finance who happens to be her publicist (Colin Firth) gives advice on - you betcha - love and relationships. No nonsense kind of advice ie don´t take any crap, you deserve the best - her advice in a nutshell: better alone alone than alone in a bad relationship. So, surprise, a lady with cold feet calls for advice - a week before her wedding.

You can guess the rest. Marriage off. Dumped bluecollar-worker-from-Queens fireman groom gets passive-non-aggressive revenge (after all, he is a NYC fireman, so has to be nice deep down inside) in the most ludicrious preposterous way. Thereby allowing the paths of Dr. Emma „lets-add-a-bit-of-Bridget-Jones-clutziness-in-there-but-with-an-upscale-warderobe“ and Mr.Rep-for-all-amiable-Joe-the-Fireman-guy to cross and get tangled (mangled, more like it) , mistaken identity (of course), that twist - in turn- used and misused for potential economic-career-gain antics by Ms. Thurman´s and Sir I-am-an-actor-get-me-outta-here-Firth’s characters.

I guess blue-collar and white satin pyjamas end up together. Only God knows why Thurman would dump Firth for that other guy. Maybe she didn´t. Know what? I don´t know and I don´t care.

And the writers - Mimi Bla and Clare Dunce - should have their Writers Guild memberships revoked – effective immediately.

PS: c’mon Colin, redeem yourself, admit it – you didn´t read it.

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